I have debated whether or not to write this post for a while. It is personal, but because this blog is all about life and the sweet (and not so sweet) moments that fill the days, here I am. Some days I write about frosting, my favorite places to run or what crazy things Rose has been up to. Today I am writing about the loss of our second baby.
This blog post was originally titled "First Trimester Recap." I started writing it about two and a half months ago in the anticipation of baby Kaune #2 due to be born in early February of next year. It chronicled our waiting, the positive tests, the morning sickness and the fatigue.
I stopped writing around week seven. I stopped having morning sickness, I never had to pee and I had no aversions.
When I was almost eleven weeks along (closing in on the first trimester) I began to miscarry. I found out our baby had stopped growing at around six weeks. I went from pregnant to not in the two minutes it took the ultrasound technician to see that our baby had no heartbeat. A family of four to three.
Miscarriage is something I never learned much about. In my head it wasn't an option. I mean, I had a totally uncomplicated first pregnancy and a willful toddler to prove it. But there I was, half naked and crying on a chair being consoled by the (amazing) ultrasound technician. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby.
There are few words to describe how I felt (or feel.) Miscarriage presents both emotional and physical challenges both of which I am grappling with as best I can surrounded by my wonderful friends and family.
It has been a rough couple of weeks, friends.
The hardest part for me, so far, has been having to go about my days "business as usual," while at the same time processing the loss and healing physically. I had some complications with my miscarriage and so the healing process has a taken a while. What has been most helpful to me is taking time in the evenings to be with Rose and love on her (even though she is constantly on the move and has little interest in snuggling.) It makes me feel so much better. I really want her to have a sibling to grow up with and I know eventually she will.
The second hardest part is the waiting aspect of it all. The days are filled with waiting. At first it was waiting for symptoms, a heartbeat and now it is waiting to heal and return to "normal." It is a weird road, one that I never expected to be on.
I have been filling my days with time outside in the sun, playing with Rose, running when I feel up to it and putting my feet up often. I haven't been in my kitchen. I am sure soon I will feel like baking and taking pictures and writing funny memories. But for now I am still coming to terms with the loss of our baby, reminding myself daily, hourly of the fact that that we can do hard things.